We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I forgot how to panic. Help