and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.