This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
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I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.