Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
awesome draft from months ago i just found
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
yea so i messed up lol
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?