I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
You Might Also Like
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?