Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
You Might Also Like
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.