Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.