4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
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Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Genius idea!!
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much