I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Many hands make light work