My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater