Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.