8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.