Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Well, that didn’t work.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
#NeverForget
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.