I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy