Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Punctuation Matters. Period.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.