*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
You Might Also Like
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled