I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Well, this explains it:
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.