In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
another case of gang violins
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.