take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist