My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
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Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?