When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
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Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…