I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
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we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.