I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me