“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
You Might Also Like
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Hero horse inspires millions
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me in tagged photos
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?