Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.