Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW