*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
You Might Also Like
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.