These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
🤣
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank