If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤