How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
what it’s like dating me:
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.