If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
You Might Also Like
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol