if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
me, too, girl. me, too.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I鈥檝e never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I鈥檓 going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen