I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol