Just a friendly reminder!
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I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Employees must applaud the planets.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.