Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight