Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??