I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
You Might Also Like
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Has science gone too far?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle