Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
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Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
😩😩😩
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.