People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Heroic Misunderstanding
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The internet is magic sometimes.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.