then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I hate when that happens.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂