Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
i will not be silenced
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*