PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
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Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.