I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
The best plant holders?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
This made me chuckle.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.