My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
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All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Um … Hot Wings please