What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty