Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Butt weight. There’s more!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.