Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
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Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.