I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please