My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
You Might Also Like
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Ugh but profoundly
nobody’s gonna understand
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is