My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
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Note to self: always read the final line
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you